Crime and Punishment

My notes

My thinking is as bad as [[Rodion Raskolnikov]]. He also believed that there are two types of people, "normies" and "special". Normies can be compared because they have nothing unique, they are nothing more than animals. "Special" people like Napoleon can kill people, can change rules and norms, for the greater good. The same as he could kill the old lady [[Utilitarism — for the greater good]], to prevent her sister from getting married to a bad guy, and Sofia for being a sex worker, and a bunch of other "good" things that would happen at a cost of one small crime.

Back in my adolescence, (and even a bit now) my thinking/morality was very close to [[Rodion Raskolnikov]]. I despised normies, stupid people. People who were bullying others in school should be terminated, people who did harm to other people should be killed or at least ignored, and they should have fewer rights. What mattered was the opinion of virtuous and great people like Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi, Steve Jobs, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Elon Musk, US Presidents, Great Artists, Great Leaders, and Writers, etc. We should use them as a template for living acording to our values, the same a Jesus is a template when it comes to morality. Everyone else should be ignored [[Utilitarism — for the greater good]].

It was much easier to live with the belief that normies are not worth my attention. Now, when I see the value in normies I have to handle their opinions too. It's harder, but it's the only way towards growth and maturity.

Back then no one was able to prove me wrong. [[Rodion Raskolnikov]] fall into trap of his own logic and rationalisations, the same as I did.

For [[Rodion Raskolnikov]] it was much easier to believe in the inferiority of normies because it allowed him to explain the struggle of his life, and kill the old lady. She was a bad person therefore she could be killed. (I would say, he is normics, therefore he can be ignored).

Actually, when I recall my thoughts about killing my brother I was very similar to [[Rodion Raskolnikov]]. I recall wondering about a method which would kill him immediately, I hated him, it was the worst feeling I ever had in my life toward another person. Even now recalling my adolescent period makes me feel the helplessness and hate. There was no justification for his actions, there was no justification for such unfairness. I thought (If it is real life then life is meaningless). I always listened to people and felt like I truly understand them, but no one understood me. I had a number of complexes. I felt like everything is wrong with me. I thought they are too stupid, they have never gone through my experiences. I despised people, "you are a stupid bunch of animals, just wait until I grow up and I will show you how limited you are, you will clean my shoes". I was physically weak. Ugly. Didn't know how to play the people game—at least that's what I thought. I decided that I will gain respect by disrespecting others. That's how others do right? But this attitude doesn't work. Others don't respect you because you don't respect them. So I was even more disrespected.

The problem with adolescence is that your physical strength and appearance have so much value. No one cared about my sensitivity and intelligence. I was just a guy who is worth something because he knows how to fix computers and phones. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't know what influence it had on me. I don't know if I will ever be able to fix it. I'm trying my best but still, girls ask me "you are really a patho guy." That was the only way to survive. Be like them.

I feel the tension in my chest I want to cry. So much suffering for what? How could I not become a nihilistic person if there was no meaning behind my suffering? [[Nihilism comes from suffering without meaning]]. There was only helplessness and suffering.

[[Piotr Piotrowicz Luzyn]] says "love others as you love yourself". Which means first love yourself then love others as much. Which means you should take care of your own well-being. You should be rich. Rely on self-interest. Rely on self-love. Then distribute. He says that science proves that. The more people are self-managed, the more we gather for ourselves the better for others. When I'm healthy I can better influence others than when we are both poor.

It's the same deduction I did with [[Happinness is selfish altruism]].

Am I not the same?

[[Rodion Raskolnikov]] criticises that attitude as utopia. It's simplified. As clishe, as impossible to realise. He says that selfish, egoistic people say that to humbe yourself.

Great argument.

[[Rodion Raskolnikov]] is on a mission to lift humanity into higher morality.
I have a similar mission as he does.
I want to get rid of evil.

It requires defining principles and rules on how people should act.

Raskolnikov's problem was that he didn't share his ideas, or intentions with anyone so no one was able to prove him wrong. Also, he was more radical and brave. I wanted to kill my father because I saw a beautiful world without him. And only suffering surrounded by his presence, not only mine but also my mother's. But I didn't do that. Fortunately.

In prison, Rodin felt a huge distance from all the people he met there. He was different. They are different species. And no one liked him. They started to hate him. They mocked him.

It reminds me of how I felt during high school, during my depression. I wanted to be a ghost. No one liked me, they just made fun of me and bullied me. Or at least that's how I felt. I heard when he was laughing at me. I wanted to become a ghost. In classes, and during the breaks.

I didn't know why. "Why they can not be nice? Why are they so stupid? Why people are so stupid and bad?"

"Percent is a cool term, so neutral, so scientific, they are not people, the individuals. Percent is just something we can use without thinking about people and worrying too much."

[[If he has a conscience he will suffer for his mistake. That will be his punishment—as well as the prison.]]